Swiss wit: Jokes that prove the Swiss are actually funny

Though the coronavirus pandemic is no laughing matter, all of us need some comic relief from time to time. With that in mind, The Local compiled some jokes and funny quotes about Switzerland for our readers’ enjoyment.

Swiss wit: Jokes that prove the Swiss are actually funny
Swiss President Guy Parmelin and former British trade secretary Liam Fox enjoy a Zinger. Photo: Stefan WERMUTH / AFP

The Swiss have a reputation for being staid and humourless, but this stereotype – like many others in Switzerland – is not necessarily true.

Whether making the jokes themselves or hearing them from someone else, (most) Swiss people love a laugh at their own expense. 

Don’t believe us? Here are some jokes that even the Swiss will laugh at.

“What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland?”

“Well, the flag is a big plus”.

A man carrying a big bag walks into a Swiss bank.

He goes up to the window and whispers to the teller: “I have one million francs in this bag.”

The teller says: “There’s no need to whisper, sir. Poverty is nothing to be ashamed of.”

During WW1, Switzerland had 250,000 soldiers.

The German Kaiser asked the Swiss ambassador in Berlin: “What would Switzerland do if I invaded with 500 000 soldiers?”

The ambassador replied: “Shoot twice and go home.”

NATO was planning to hold military exercises in Switzerland and asked the Swiss Army to borrow their tanks.

“Sure,” a Swiss General said. “Is one enough or do you need all two?”

An English boy, a French girl and a Swiss girl were discussing where babies come from:

“It’s the stork”, said the English boy, “he brings them in a sling”.

“Babies in France are found among the cabbages”, said the French girl. “How is it in Switzerland?”

“It depends on the canton”, the Swiss girl replied.

Two members of the Swiss army got into a knife fight…

Then a corkscrew fight, then a tweezer fight, then a bottle opener fight…

Why is Swiss cheese the official dairy product of the Vatican?

It’s the holiest of cheeses. 

A group of Swiss enjoy a joke and the nice weather. Image: AFP

Question: Where is the capital of Zimbabwe?

Answer: In a Swiss bank account.

And you know you’re Swiss when…

You spit out Belgian chocolate in disgust.

You make reservations to see a movie.

You’re surprised when you’re not delayed by roadworks. 

You think spontaneity is OK, but only if it’s planned.

You talk to your garden gnomes. 

You make an appointment to do your own laundry in your own apartment building. 

And here are some funny things famous people said about Switzerland.

“Switzerland would be a mighty big place if it were ironed flat.” — Mark Twain

“I don’t like Switzerland; it has produced nothing but theologians and waiters.” – Oscar Wilde

“Switzerland is a curst, selfish, swinish country of brutes, placed in the most romantic region of the world.” – Lord Byron

“Switzerland is a country where very few things begin, but many things end.  — F. Scott Fitzgerald

“Switzerland is a fine place to be born and die in, but what is there to do in between?” — Source unknown

Didn’t find any of these jokes funny? Well congratulations, your integration is complete!

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Residents of Swiss village successfully sue after river ‘flows too loudly’

A court has ruled in the favour of residents of a small Swiss village who sued local authorities after a river flowed too loudly.

Residents of Swiss village successfully sue after river 'flows too loudly'

We can’t say with certainty that this only happens in Switzerland, but we suspect this is so.

Residents of a district of Saint Légier in the canton of Vaud complained that a stream in their neighbourhood flows too loudly, demanding that local authorities install soundproofing.

The river, which is primarily used by farmers for irrigation, was partially re-routed in 2020. 

READ MORE: The 12 strange laws in Switzerland you need to know

Authorities denied the request, saying that “the noise emitted by the stream… does not constitute an inadmissible attack on the tranquility of local residents”.

The complainants then took their cause to the district court, demanding that acoustic assessments be made to measure the stream’s noise level, countering the argument that their tranquility is not disturbed. 

Their arguments were heard loud and clear, with the court finding in their favour. 

The court said officials should either bury the stream, make it narrower, or install a noise barrier.

All this may sound bizarre, except that this is hardly the first time a group of residents creates ruckus about ambient noise.

Other instances include people complaining about loud church bells, public clocks chiming every 15 minutes, and cow bells.