The Swiss government announced on Thursday that from 2025, all Swiss dairy products will not contain milk from cows, goats or any other animal in Schedule II of the Swiss Molkereigesetzgebung (dairy legislation).
As a consequence, all Swiss chocolate, cheese, butter and ice cream must be made from vegan milk – or indeed any other kind of non-dairy liquid – from 2025.
Swiss cheese, known locally as Emmentaler, is one of the country’s best-known exports, while the country’s most famous chocolate makers include Toblerone and Lindt.
Swiss President Guy Parmelin on Wednesday evening responded to criticism that the decision would undercut the country’s valuable dairy sector.
“I certainly can’t see any holes in this plan,” Parmelin said.
“Switzerland has always been a fan of moving with the times – women have been able to vote here for a good few years now. We’ve seen where things are headed – and we want to get there first.
“If you close your eyes, pinch your nose and chew really quickly, you can’t even tell the difference.”
Christian Hofer, Director of the Federal Office for Agriculture (FOAG), said the decision was inevitable.
“Cows have the right to vote in at least eight Swiss cantons – nine if you count Ticino,” Hofer told The Local.
“If we didn’t make this decision now, we’d face a bovine referendum on the issue.
“The cows are revolting. I mean, not taking part in a revolution, but they’re just kind of gross. Let’s let them do cow things.”
A spokesperson for Swiss chocolate manufacturer Toblerone told The Local that the difficulty with vegan chocolate was that it just wasn’t as pointy.
“We try and get the peaks right, but it’s less Matterhorn and more Zürichberg,” the spokesperson said.
“Our export customers, the Americans in particular, like ‘em pointy, so I’m not sure what we’re gonna do”.
Attempts to contact representatives from Lindt were met with soft, gentle sobbing.
Just for those who might not have spotted it, the above report is of course an April Fools story and should therefore not be taken seriously.
Swiss cheese and chocolate are not changing and will stay milky and delicious… at least for now.
Did we trick you? Do you know of any other good April fools pranks in Switzerland? Let us know at [email protected]